My Childhood – Growing Up a Lesbian and a Christian in Giyani, Limpopo
I was born in Giyani Limpopo, and I knew very early on that I was different. Growing up lesbian in Giyani, was really hard, I didn’t understand what I was, I couldn’t relate to my peers and from very early on, it was super obvious that I wasn’t like my sisters.
I grew up in a two parent home, which for the most part is the norm in Giyani, especially back then. I had a good childhood, I knew growing up that my parents loved me, they supported many of the extracurricular activities that I was involved in. Being educators themselves, they worked really hard to make sure that my siblings and I had a good education.
And yes, I grew up in a Christian home, I am a Christian and I completely believe in God. So, just imagine growing up in Giyani, where there is absolutely no one like me, in a Christian home and going to church almost every Sunday. And I am sure you know the stance when it comes to the church with regards to people like me. So, it was a very lonely time.
My dating life in high school was pretty much none existent, and funny enough, there was a boy or two or three that liked me. Fast forward to varsity in Cape Town . . . that’s when everything clicked for me. Even back then, Cape Town was the gay capital of South Africa, and it was the first time I witnessed same sex relationships and got my exposure to the LGBTQ+ community. And then it clicked . . . I knew then what the missing piece of the puzzle was, and why I had been feeling the way I had been feeling for my entire life.
BUT . . . I was heavily in church, I was an usher. I was doing Bible study, and cell groups every week and really just immersing myself in all of it, because I was just too scared to explore who I was. It was easier to just stick to what I knew . . . but at that time, my gaydor was off the charts. Literally every week, there was a girl interested in me, but I was just too scared to go there, so I didn’t let it happen.
When the Lesbian in Me Found Her Freedom
The turning point for me happened after I moved back to Johannesburg, and I think by then, I had suppressed myself for so long that I just couldn’t any longer. I had found out about the Johannesbuurg pride, and I was so excited about it. I didn’t know any lesbian at the time, and I was scared to go by myself, but I just knew that I had to do it. I had to see people like me, because I was convinced that they were out there. I will never forget the excitement, and I was really scared to do it, but it’s almost like I just knew that my life was about to change for the better.
Being away from my home town allowed me to be myself, I didn’t have to listen to the snide comments about how boyish I was, or how butch I was – at the time I didn’t even know what that meant. Back home, it seemed like I was the only lesbian , which made it harder because people didn’t understand why I was the way I was. And when people don’t understand, they become insensititive and super mean, and for years I took it.
My family also didn’t understand, and I love how they loved me regardless. I knew the confusion that came with me being me, and I am sure they had questions. Unfortunately, we just never got to a place where we could openly talk about it.
It’s weird how there are people in Giyani who see me as brave, because I “came out” at a time when it was still very much taboo. I don’t see myself as brave, I wasn’t trying to be anything but just to survive.
Looking back, I wish I had grown up seeing some people like me. I wish I had been more brave and pushed for those uncomfortable conversations.
Through it all, my family did the best that they could do, even though they too didn’t understand it. And today, I am super grateful that they have met my amazing partner.
What I know is that people are super judgemental when it comes to something that they don’t understand, or something that doesn’t affect them. Just about everyone is going through something internally, and it would be amazing if we were a little kinder to each other.
